Saturday, December 29, 2012
Broken... Why???
I feel so angry and irritated all the time. And I hate to say it but I really blame my husband. A lot of this anger comes from the things he has done to me. He left for Iraq and while he was there he was cheating on me... I don't see how he loved me enough to marry me but not enough to stay faithful... I told myself that it happens all the time and to a lot of women whose married to a military man... But what got me and the way I found out way because he kept doing it after he got home... and he said it was because he didn't know what he wanted when he got back... Did seeing me again and spending time with me again not help him realize that I was what he wanted??? He said I was what he wanted and that he wouldn't do it again... I found out later that he didn't not only stop but he was also doing it on his phone... Does he still not know what he wants??? Was me being pregnant with his child not enough for him to want to change??? And considering he was using his phone it wasn't just over the internet it was through phone and texting... Some of them where females he actually met... He said he would stop and he wants to be with me... I asked him what was wrong with me, what do they have that I don't, what is it that they are doing that I am not... and every time it's the same thing... There's nothing wrong with me, they don't have anything I don't, they aren't doing anything I'm not... So I am then left with the question of why??? So I try to forgive him and try to move on and try not to bring it up but then I find out again that he is betraying me with women on the internet all via phone... and most of these times I find out in multiple times in a big period of time... and then it seems as though he quit... but every time... He is still sharing himself with females all over the internet and for all I know all over the world... I am so angry and so tired... I don't know why he does it and I don't know why he feels like he can keep doing this to me... I can't seem to get over this anymore or again... I never should've had to get over it to begin with. I even get angry with my kids and yell more than usual and more than I should but it's because the littlest thing goes wrong and I freak out, become angry, and start screaming. I don't know what else to do. I feel stuck and I feel hurt, angry, alone, and ashamed of myself because I am not good enough. Someday I am going to be good enough and I'm going to be good enough not only to and for me but to and for my children...My children and I both deserve more than dishonest and hurtful... Someday we will be happy... I just wish it was sooner... I want the happily ever after... and it breaks my heart to know that I am most likely not going to get it where I am at... I don't even know how he can prove himself to me or earn my trust back because every time he has he has betrayed me, ripped out my heart, and said F*CK YOU!!! I'm so hurt I feel paralyzed and only strong enough to hold back the tears and fake it for everyone... I don't know what to do when I gave him my all and have nothing... I don't even have anything left give...
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
What a holiday season...
Well let's see how do we start this off.
First off I started a new job right before thanksgiving and I ended up not even going to my Aunts house for thanksgiving because I was mad that she wouldn't let me have an appointment with her and my uncle and get their opinion. But it was partially so I didn't snap off over something stupid.
Secondly, when I started putting up christmas decor it was a pain in the ass because not even the command hooks would stick and it took me three or four days just to get the lights up around the living because of it. Finally after about a half a roll of packaging tape the lights stayed.
Thirdly, I went out of my way and got my husband COD II and when I brought it home he told me to return it because he didn't hear anything all that great about it. So I took it back trying to figure out what to get him because once again what I got him he wasn't happy or thrilled about in the least bit. So then the day of his birthday I started thinking brilliantly and stole his friends number off our phone records and we were able to get a couple of his other friends to also come over. We planned it for 8pm. That morning I took the kids over to my grandmas so he can do what he wanted in the morning for his birthday. When the kids and I got home it was time for Wriley Paul to go down for his nap. I started cleaning the house spotless, cooked chili, and bought a crap ton of beer, and then told him to get showered and dressed... Then SURPRISE!!! his friends were over and I took the kids to my friend Amy's house til it was time for the kids to go to bed. We came home and both of the kids went down and not too long after we got home all but one friend went home and he stayed to play magic. Well I had an early meeting the next morning so I went to bed.
Seems pretty awesome right???
Well I guess not that awesome because I woke up at 4am to get my daughter a bottle and I noticed all the lights and tv were still on so I went to see if Riley was sleeping or not.. sure enough he was but the computer was on... I look at it and it was another fuckin website that he was web chatting with random bitches... and I grabbed the comp and looked through the other pages he had up and sure enough he also had his yahoo email up that he said he changed the password so he couldn't get on to it up... and to top it all off he was emailing girls from all kinds of sites to include craigslist were he posted pics of himself... INAPPROPRIATE PIC... and put them on craigslist and sent them to a bunch of other bitches. I was fuming!!!!
Then we put together the dough for the 22nd (Christmas with Rileys mom, sister, and nieces) and the sugar cookie dough didn't come out right and his mom was suppose to help with Wriley Paul and Kaitey Mae while me and Riley painted ornaments and baked a few cookies with the girls... she didn't do suah a great job with that but she did keep up on the dishes and did all of our laundry which was absolutely awesome... lol... and we tried to tell her not to but she insisted and lets face it I am only going to tell someone so many times to stop doing my laundry and cleaning my house... lol...
Then Christmas Eve... use to be my favorite time of the year. We made plans to go to my mothers house. The said they were starting everything at 8am. I called at 8am to see if they started yet. Roy (my now step-dad) told me no they were about to call his son Zach to find out where he was. So I thought they would be waiting for us but instead they didn't. But when we got there we opened the gifts for Kaitey and Wriley and Sebastian and Christian for the most part watched... they of course got to help and they opened Kaitey's but if they would've waited then we would've been able to open gifts with everyone. Then one of the gifts we got Sebastian and Christian was a hot wheels race track and as Riley was putting it together Roy was sitting in the kitchen mumbling "bad idea, bad idea" The entire time we were there we felt unwelcome. We then took the kids home so they can take their nap and we took ours.
Well, the usual plans changed from the night of christmas eve at grandmas house to my moms house because a water main near my grandmas house broke and they didn't have any water. Well, once we showed up at my moms house mostly everyone was there but my cousin Tim and my sister. And right off the bat felt unwelcome again by my so called step-dad. And when my sister got there he started making his comments about how much crap she Got Sebastian and Christian. It sucked that my son had to watch them open all these gifts because he just wanted to open them too because he wants to do what the older boys are doing. Roy was still in the kitchen making his comments of course, but Riley helped Christian put his spider man webbing glove on... Christian was so excited and ran into the kitchen to show everyone and started spraying and it was all over the ceiling. Now the fact that Roy got mad wasn't that big of a deal but he could have left out the cuss words and he could've been nicer about getting my sister to clean it up but I was telling my sister about it once she came in and I was kind of giggling because it was funny that he was so excited and it was all over the ceiling and he told me "If you think it's so funny you can get up there help fucking clean the crap off my ceiling too" After that I started packing up our stuff and as we were leaving Riley told my mom we were leaving and told her merry christmas and she handed him gift cards for us for christmas. Now don't get me wrong I am grateful for the gift but she gave it to us hours after everyone opened gifts and while roys kids got things from alberst, areopastale, american eagle, expensive electronics, etc. I felt like we didn't get anything and was at least hoping for a christmas card but got nothing. Then it was handed to us off to the side like we weren't apart of the family and no one else should know. So it made us feel even more unwelcome there.
And then Christmas Day... not the same as Christmas Eve at Grandmas but it's always a good time. Not to say that I didn't have a good time but we had not only brought our puppy over to my aunts house but it was requested that we bring him. Well we were keeping a pretty close eye on him and taking him outside often so he didn't go to the bathroom in the house. Well Roy seen him pee on the dog pillow and started cleaning it up. I apologized to my aunt and she said not to worry about she can just wash the pillow later. Now mind you we didn't ask Roy to clean up after our dog he could've waited til I was done making my daughter a bottle and then I could've cleaned it up. But I had asked Riley to take him out although he had just came in about 20 mins before that because he just peed in the house and as Riley grabbed the dog Roy says "well, he doesn't have to go outside now" And really is there any reason for him to have to make all these ignorant comments. Not to mention the fact that when he walked in he said merry christmas to everyone else individually and not one word to me or Riley.
Since Riley and I moved back from Washington I have felt uncomfortable and unwelcome around roy and this holiday just tipped the scale for me. Next year I am stealing my friend Sara's idea and doing thanksmas. On thanks giving and christmas we will still stop by and say hi and smile and be cordial but other than that I am not planning anything for the holidays and I am just going to relax and enjoy them with my kids.
This holiday season was not a good one... and to top it all off grandpa wasn't here. I miss him so much and I don't think people know how much I really talked to my grandpa... he was my best friend and to go through the holidays being so crappy and not to have him here just plain sucks. I want to sit on his lap like I use to and talk to him about whats going on in my life. I want to hear his funny comments and sometimes ignorant and truthful comments. I loved that about my grandpa... he was always funny, always truthful, and always brutally honest.
And everything that happened between me and my husband I don't think we would've made it this far if it weren't for my kids and for the simple fact that grandpa seen me get married and I don't want to get married again if he can't walk me down the aisle or be sitting front row where I can look over and see him smiling.
R.I.P. Grandpa
First off I started a new job right before thanksgiving and I ended up not even going to my Aunts house for thanksgiving because I was mad that she wouldn't let me have an appointment with her and my uncle and get their opinion. But it was partially so I didn't snap off over something stupid.
Secondly, when I started putting up christmas decor it was a pain in the ass because not even the command hooks would stick and it took me three or four days just to get the lights up around the living because of it. Finally after about a half a roll of packaging tape the lights stayed.
Thirdly, I went out of my way and got my husband COD II and when I brought it home he told me to return it because he didn't hear anything all that great about it. So I took it back trying to figure out what to get him because once again what I got him he wasn't happy or thrilled about in the least bit. So then the day of his birthday I started thinking brilliantly and stole his friends number off our phone records and we were able to get a couple of his other friends to also come over. We planned it for 8pm. That morning I took the kids over to my grandmas so he can do what he wanted in the morning for his birthday. When the kids and I got home it was time for Wriley Paul to go down for his nap. I started cleaning the house spotless, cooked chili, and bought a crap ton of beer, and then told him to get showered and dressed... Then SURPRISE!!! his friends were over and I took the kids to my friend Amy's house til it was time for the kids to go to bed. We came home and both of the kids went down and not too long after we got home all but one friend went home and he stayed to play magic. Well I had an early meeting the next morning so I went to bed.
Seems pretty awesome right???
Well I guess not that awesome because I woke up at 4am to get my daughter a bottle and I noticed all the lights and tv were still on so I went to see if Riley was sleeping or not.. sure enough he was but the computer was on... I look at it and it was another fuckin website that he was web chatting with random bitches... and I grabbed the comp and looked through the other pages he had up and sure enough he also had his yahoo email up that he said he changed the password so he couldn't get on to it up... and to top it all off he was emailing girls from all kinds of sites to include craigslist were he posted pics of himself... INAPPROPRIATE PIC... and put them on craigslist and sent them to a bunch of other bitches. I was fuming!!!!
Then we put together the dough for the 22nd (Christmas with Rileys mom, sister, and nieces) and the sugar cookie dough didn't come out right and his mom was suppose to help with Wriley Paul and Kaitey Mae while me and Riley painted ornaments and baked a few cookies with the girls... she didn't do suah a great job with that but she did keep up on the dishes and did all of our laundry which was absolutely awesome... lol... and we tried to tell her not to but she insisted and lets face it I am only going to tell someone so many times to stop doing my laundry and cleaning my house... lol...
Then Christmas Eve... use to be my favorite time of the year. We made plans to go to my mothers house. The said they were starting everything at 8am. I called at 8am to see if they started yet. Roy (my now step-dad) told me no they were about to call his son Zach to find out where he was. So I thought they would be waiting for us but instead they didn't. But when we got there we opened the gifts for Kaitey and Wriley and Sebastian and Christian for the most part watched... they of course got to help and they opened Kaitey's but if they would've waited then we would've been able to open gifts with everyone. Then one of the gifts we got Sebastian and Christian was a hot wheels race track and as Riley was putting it together Roy was sitting in the kitchen mumbling "bad idea, bad idea" The entire time we were there we felt unwelcome. We then took the kids home so they can take their nap and we took ours.
Well, the usual plans changed from the night of christmas eve at grandmas house to my moms house because a water main near my grandmas house broke and they didn't have any water. Well, once we showed up at my moms house mostly everyone was there but my cousin Tim and my sister. And right off the bat felt unwelcome again by my so called step-dad. And when my sister got there he started making his comments about how much crap she Got Sebastian and Christian. It sucked that my son had to watch them open all these gifts because he just wanted to open them too because he wants to do what the older boys are doing. Roy was still in the kitchen making his comments of course, but Riley helped Christian put his spider man webbing glove on... Christian was so excited and ran into the kitchen to show everyone and started spraying and it was all over the ceiling. Now the fact that Roy got mad wasn't that big of a deal but he could have left out the cuss words and he could've been nicer about getting my sister to clean it up but I was telling my sister about it once she came in and I was kind of giggling because it was funny that he was so excited and it was all over the ceiling and he told me "If you think it's so funny you can get up there help fucking clean the crap off my ceiling too" After that I started packing up our stuff and as we were leaving Riley told my mom we were leaving and told her merry christmas and she handed him gift cards for us for christmas. Now don't get me wrong I am grateful for the gift but she gave it to us hours after everyone opened gifts and while roys kids got things from alberst, areopastale, american eagle, expensive electronics, etc. I felt like we didn't get anything and was at least hoping for a christmas card but got nothing. Then it was handed to us off to the side like we weren't apart of the family and no one else should know. So it made us feel even more unwelcome there.
And then Christmas Day... not the same as Christmas Eve at Grandmas but it's always a good time. Not to say that I didn't have a good time but we had not only brought our puppy over to my aunts house but it was requested that we bring him. Well we were keeping a pretty close eye on him and taking him outside often so he didn't go to the bathroom in the house. Well Roy seen him pee on the dog pillow and started cleaning it up. I apologized to my aunt and she said not to worry about she can just wash the pillow later. Now mind you we didn't ask Roy to clean up after our dog he could've waited til I was done making my daughter a bottle and then I could've cleaned it up. But I had asked Riley to take him out although he had just came in about 20 mins before that because he just peed in the house and as Riley grabbed the dog Roy says "well, he doesn't have to go outside now" And really is there any reason for him to have to make all these ignorant comments. Not to mention the fact that when he walked in he said merry christmas to everyone else individually and not one word to me or Riley.
Since Riley and I moved back from Washington I have felt uncomfortable and unwelcome around roy and this holiday just tipped the scale for me. Next year I am stealing my friend Sara's idea and doing thanksmas. On thanks giving and christmas we will still stop by and say hi and smile and be cordial but other than that I am not planning anything for the holidays and I am just going to relax and enjoy them with my kids.
This holiday season was not a good one... and to top it all off grandpa wasn't here. I miss him so much and I don't think people know how much I really talked to my grandpa... he was my best friend and to go through the holidays being so crappy and not to have him here just plain sucks. I want to sit on his lap like I use to and talk to him about whats going on in my life. I want to hear his funny comments and sometimes ignorant and truthful comments. I loved that about my grandpa... he was always funny, always truthful, and always brutally honest.
And everything that happened between me and my husband I don't think we would've made it this far if it weren't for my kids and for the simple fact that grandpa seen me get married and I don't want to get married again if he can't walk me down the aisle or be sitting front row where I can look over and see him smiling.
R.I.P. Grandpa
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