Broken... Why???

I feel so angry and irritated all the time. And I hate to say it but I really blame my husband. A lot of this anger comes from the things he has done to me. He left for Iraq and while he was there he was cheating on me... I don't see how he loved me enough to marry me but not enough to stay faithful... I told myself that it happens all the time and to a lot of women whose married to a military man... But what got me and the way I found out way because he kept doing it after he got home... and he said it was because he didn't know what he wanted when he got back... Did seeing me again and spending time with me again not help him realize that I was what he wanted??? He said I was what he wanted and that he wouldn't do it again... I found out later that he didn't not only stop but he was also doing it on his phone... Does he still not know what he wants??? Was me being pregnant with his child not enough for him to want to change??? And considering he was using his phone it wasn't just over the internet it was through phone and texting... Some of them where females he actually met... He said he would stop and he wants to be with me... I asked him what was wrong with me, what do they have that I don't, what is it that they are doing that I am not... and every time it's the same thing... There's nothing wrong with me, they don't have anything I don't, they aren't doing anything I'm not... So I am then left with the question of why??? So I try to forgive him and try to move on and try not to bring it up but then I find out again that he is betraying me with women on the internet all via phone... and most of these times I find out in multiple times in a big period of time... and then it seems as though he quit... but every time... He is still sharing himself with females all over the internet and for all I know all over the world... I am so angry and so tired... I don't know why he does it and I don't know why he feels like he can keep doing this to me... I can't seem to get over this anymore or again... I never should've had to get over it to begin with. I even get angry with my kids and yell more than usual and more than I should  but it's because the littlest thing goes wrong and I freak out, become angry, and start screaming. I don't know what else to do. I feel stuck and I feel hurt, angry, alone, and ashamed of myself because I am not good enough. Someday I am going to be good enough and I'm going to be good enough not only to and for me but to and for my children...My children and I both deserve more than dishonest and hurtful... Someday we will be happy... I just wish it was sooner... I want the happily ever after... and it breaks my heart to know that I am most likely not going to get it where I am at... I don't even know how he can prove himself to me or earn my trust back because every time he has he has betrayed me, ripped out my heart, and said F*CK YOU!!! I'm so hurt I feel paralyzed and only strong enough to hold back the tears and fake it for everyone... I don't know what to do when I gave him my all and have nothing... I don't even have anything left give...

What a holiday season...

Well let's see how do we start this off.

First off I started a new job right before thanksgiving and I ended up not even going to my Aunts house for thanksgiving because I was mad that she wouldn't let me have an appointment with her and my uncle and get their opinion. But it was partially so I didn't snap off over something stupid.

Secondly, when I started putting up christmas decor it was a pain in the ass because not even the command hooks would stick and it took me three or four days just to get the lights up around the living because of it. Finally after about a half a roll of packaging tape the lights stayed.

Thirdly, I went out of my way and got my husband COD II and when I brought it home he told me to return it because he didn't hear anything all that great about it. So I took it back trying to figure out what to get him because once again what I got him he wasn't happy or thrilled about in the least bit. So then the day of his birthday I started thinking brilliantly and stole his friends number off our phone records and we were able to get a couple of his other friends to also come over. We planned it for 8pm. That morning I took the kids over to my grandmas so he can do what he wanted in the morning for his birthday. When the kids and I got home it was time for Wriley Paul to go down for his nap. I started cleaning the house spotless, cooked chili, and bought a crap ton of beer, and then told him to get showered and dressed... Then SURPRISE!!! his friends were over and I took the kids to my friend Amy's house til it was time for the kids to go to bed. We came home and both of the kids went down and not too long after we got home all but one friend went home and he stayed to play magic. Well I had an early meeting the next morning so I went to bed.
Seems pretty awesome right???
Well I guess not that awesome because I woke up at 4am to get my daughter a bottle and I noticed all the lights and tv were still on so I went to see if Riley was sleeping or not.. sure enough he was but the computer was on... I look at it and it was another fuckin website that he was web chatting with random bitches... and I grabbed the comp and looked through the other pages he had up and sure enough he also had his yahoo email up that he said he changed the password so he couldn't get on to it up... and to top it all off he was emailing girls from all kinds of sites to include craigslist were he posted pics of himself... INAPPROPRIATE PIC... and put them on craigslist and sent them to a bunch of other bitches. I was fuming!!!!

Then we put together the dough for the 22nd (Christmas with Rileys mom, sister, and nieces) and the sugar cookie dough didn't come out right and his mom was suppose to help with Wriley Paul and Kaitey Mae while me and Riley painted ornaments and baked a few cookies with the girls... she didn't do suah a great job with that but she did keep up on the dishes and did all of our laundry which was absolutely awesome... lol... and we tried to tell her not to but she insisted and lets face it I am only going to tell someone so many times to stop doing my laundry and cleaning my house... lol...

Then Christmas Eve... use to be my favorite time of the year. We made plans to go to my mothers house. The said they were starting everything at 8am. I called at 8am to see if they started yet. Roy (my now step-dad) told me no they were about to call his son Zach to find out where he was. So I thought they would be waiting for us but instead they didn't. But when we got there we opened the gifts for Kaitey and Wriley and Sebastian and Christian for the most part watched... they of course got to help and they opened Kaitey's but if they would've waited then we would've been able to open gifts with everyone. Then one of the gifts we got Sebastian and Christian was a hot wheels race track and as Riley was putting it together Roy was sitting in the kitchen mumbling "bad idea, bad idea" The entire time we were there we felt unwelcome. We then took the kids home so they can take their nap and we took ours.
Well, the usual plans changed from the night of christmas eve at grandmas house to my moms house because a water main near my grandmas house broke and they didn't have any water. Well, once we showed up at my moms house mostly everyone was there but my cousin Tim and my sister. And right off the bat felt unwelcome again by my so called step-dad. And when my sister got there he started making his comments about how much crap she Got Sebastian and Christian. It sucked that my son had to watch them open all these gifts because he just wanted to open them too because he wants to do what the older boys are doing. Roy was still in the kitchen making his comments of course, but Riley helped Christian put his spider man webbing glove on... Christian was so excited and ran into the kitchen to show everyone and started spraying and it was all over the ceiling. Now the fact that Roy got mad wasn't that big of a deal but he could have left out the cuss words and he could've been nicer about getting my sister to clean it up but I was telling my sister about it once she came in and I was kind of giggling because it was funny that he was so excited and it was all over the ceiling and he told me "If you think it's so funny you can get up there help fucking clean the crap off my ceiling too" After that I started packing up our stuff and as we were leaving Riley told my mom we were leaving and told her merry christmas and she handed him gift cards for us for christmas. Now don't get me wrong I am grateful for the gift but she gave it to us hours after everyone opened gifts and while roys kids got things from alberst, areopastale, american eagle, expensive electronics, etc. I felt like we didn't get anything and was at least hoping for a christmas card but got nothing. Then it was handed to us off to the side like we weren't apart of the family and no one else should know. So it made us feel even more unwelcome there.

And then Christmas Day... not the same as Christmas Eve at Grandmas but it's always a good time. Not to say that I didn't have a good time but we had not only brought our puppy over to my aunts house but it was requested that we bring him. Well we were keeping a pretty close eye on him and taking him outside often so he didn't go to the bathroom in the house. Well Roy seen him pee on the dog pillow and started cleaning it up. I apologized to my aunt and she said not to worry about she can just wash the pillow later. Now mind you we didn't ask Roy to clean up after our dog he could've waited til I was done making my daughter a bottle and then I could've cleaned it up. But I had asked Riley to take him out although he had just came in about 20 mins before that because he just peed in the house and as Riley grabbed the dog Roy says "well, he doesn't have to go outside now" And really is there any reason for him to have to make all these ignorant comments. Not to mention the fact that when he walked in he said merry christmas to everyone else individually and not one word to me or Riley.

Since Riley and I moved back from Washington I have felt uncomfortable and unwelcome around roy and this holiday just tipped the scale for me. Next year I am stealing my friend Sara's idea and doing thanksmas. On thanks giving and christmas we will still stop by and say hi and smile and be cordial but other than that I am not planning anything for the holidays and I am just going to relax and enjoy them with my kids.

This holiday season was not a good one... and to top it all off grandpa wasn't here. I miss him so much and I don't think people know how much I really talked to my grandpa... he was my best friend and to go through the holidays being so crappy and not to have him here just plain sucks. I want to sit on his lap like I use to and talk to him about whats going on in my life. I want to hear his funny comments and sometimes ignorant and truthful comments. I loved that about my grandpa... he was always funny, always truthful, and always brutally honest.

And everything that happened between me and my husband I don't think we would've made it this far if it weren't for my kids and for the simple fact that grandpa seen me get married and I don't want to get married again if he can't walk me down the aisle or be sitting front row where I can look over and see him smiling.

R.I.P. Grandpa

My Dream House and why I want it so Bad

I want a house in a nice area where I don't ave to worry about too much crime. The location also needs to have a good school district with an affordable day care. I imagine this place to be in Crown Point near the square where there are lots of things to do and a lot of things happen but still far enough away that I'm not extremely close to all the traffic of the square.

I want the outside of the house to have a full wrap around porch that's covered so my husband, kids, and I have some where to just sort of relax outside. I'd like too have a closed in back porch that is insulated and has heating and cooling ability so no matter what the weather my kids have somewhere to play where the sun can still come in and the weather doesn't matter. I also want a gated backyard so that someday I can have a swing set for the kids back there and someday even get a dog to grow with the family.

On the inside of the house I would prefer it to be a ranch but I could deal with a two story house but it has to have a basement. I'd like 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. I'd like a private bathroom for the master bedroom with a jacuzzi tub and lots of space. The master bedroom needs to be big like estimated 12 X 12. I'd like a room for each of my kids. And another room that would be the toy/gaming room. I'd like the basement to not only have space for a laundry room and storage but enough room for me to have space for all my crafting. and as for the second bathroom of course it would have to be somewhere where everyone could use it to include guests. I'd like the living room, dining room, and kitchen to be an open floor plan. In the kitchen I would need a lot of counter space which excludes the coffee bar that for some reason places call counter space but is really just space that collects crap and things people don't want to put away. I need a pantry and lots cabinet space.

I really think that for a family of four this is not a lot to ask and is pretty average... Am I wrong??? But I want this to be me and my husbands first home and our last. That's why the location is so important. I want it to be somewhere we can be forever and somewhere that when the kids get older and grow up they will have a place they knew for a long time and had memories to come back to.

But right now if I had that house I would leave my wonderful husband with the kids and take a soak in the jacuzzi tub and then head down to the basement craft area to craft. I love my kids but my oldest can't stay away from everything he isn't suppose to be doing and when he decides to calm down on everything he isn't suppose to do my youngest starts screaming... and sometimes she screams for no reason. I feel so stressed and tired and irritable... I feel like I need to get away for a whole night or two to catch my breath and be renewed.

My dream home would be a sanctuary where I can get  away without leaving the comforts of my own home or spending a bunch of money to do so. Sometimes I am so happy and feel very lucky to have such a wonderful husband with such amazing children but man! sometimes I think God put them in my life to test my patients... lol...

I am conflicted on loving my life so much or hating it so much...

I was not ready to have children when I did. And I sure wasn't ready for my second. And I hate that because I feel so blessed to have them but wish I could've just had more time to straighten out my life and get everything ready for children. I do not regret having my children nor do I resent them or my husband for it. I enjoy my husband and children very much but sometimes I feel like I have lost site of any type of freedom I had at one time. I hate that I have these feelings and sometimes I just don't know what to do because the conflict in my head is fighting me. I wish I could find a balance somewhere or some how and just love my life all the time without so much stress and irritability.

Long time Catch up

So I have been very busy and when I haven't been my husband has been on the computer doing his homework and gaming that he likes to do.

My wonderful husband has been letting me get some more me time and letting me get away by myself even if it is running errands. And with all the "me time" I have been getting close to old friend and it's great that they have kids too. Play dates with my friend Amy and her kids have given both of us a bit of a break because the kids are entertaining themselves. Where as when other kids aren't around to keep my extremely active but very amazing Wriley Paul distracted with things he is allowed to do he has been consistent about pulling the oven door down to stand on it so that he can see whats going on on top of the stove and get into all the drawers he can't see into when on his tippy toes. He has also recently learned to climb out of his bed and over the gate we have to keep in a certain room. Kaitey Mae is getting so big she is already into 3-6 month clothes and it seems like she just came home days ago.

Although my friend Crysta has been or seems to have been distant in the last two weeks or so we are suppose to be doing a craft show together. I'm really excited about it but I don't have enough time to make everything I absolutely want to but if I can make some money at this one we plan on doing another one and starting our own etsy shop. I am also realizing that I think I need to start learning a little more when it comes to knitting. Knitting is just so time consuming that I need more time to get more done. Right now I only have 5 scarves but thanks to collard greens and things blogspot I learned how to make flowers to put onto a quick knit headband.

But I need to get back to crafting so I have more stuff to sell at this craft show. Just an update.

P.S. Have I told you how amazing and wonderful my family is??? ABSOLUTELY WONDERFULLY AMAZING!!!!!

Update...

So I am finding it really hard to clean my house and keep it clean with two kids and a husband. But I finally got it done and now it's just catch up but it was so hard and so difficult. Now that I finally got my house cleaned my sister in-law and nieces came over so we could celebrate Andrea's birthday. It was a great visit but I would absolutely love if all these toys (especially the box of cars my son found) would pick up themselves. I am so tired!!!

  I understand my husband has homework to do but I really feel like he is doing just as much gaming as he is homework when he gets the chance to do homework. But unless I am constantly watching him and looking over his shoulder I would never know.

 Still playing catch up with bills and rent but they are working themselves out and will sooner or later.

I had gotten back in touch with an old friend, Crysta, and it's great because she also has two kids. The place she works at was supposedly hiring so I filled out an application because with that job I could work part time and make full time money. She was kind enough to put in a good word for me and I called and talked to the manager, but he said he wasn't looking for anyone to work as of right now so in a few weeks I am going to give him a call and see if he might be hiring and if he knew when he might be. I might also fill out an application at buffalo wild wings because they seem to be hiring as well. I'd really like to get a job somewhere good making really good money so that we don't have to play catch up with bills and could instead play save up.

I have been all about doing more at the moment to get somewhere better later and have it be a little easier.

I wish I could go to school as well, but both of us in school wouldn't work out too well. Maybe when the kids are in school I can start going.

I really need to find some time to also work out so that I can lose this baby weight. Another possibility I would like is joining the Air Force active duty but I don't know if they are accepting anyone at the moment or in the near future.

Me and the hubby are also going to start Christmas shopping as well because then we can make payments on the gifts we are getting instead of paying for them all at the same time. We are definitely going to take advantage of it since we don't have a whole lot of money at one moment but we would like to spoil our kids at the same time.

Kaitey Mae is starting to smile a lot... she found her smile and it's so exciting :)
Wriley Paul is just getting more and more amazing everyday!!!

Other than that nothing new in my boring old life... I love my FAMILY!!!!!

So much yet so little and lots of thoughts...

So yesterday I feel like I got a lot done but at the same time I don't feel like I got enough done and definitely not everything I would have liked to get done. I also really hate that feeling... it's like pride with a punch in the face.



I see people post things about the democratic party and how they aren't pro-choice BUT most of them are men. Men don't have to go nor do they have to pay for a yearly check up. Anything done by a doctor is expensive and I know I wouldn't have the money for a yearly check up every year especially now that I have two children and will one day have to pay for my daughter to start and keep up on her annual check ups as well. Also I think men should really think about whether they would want the government to pay for things such as check ups and birth control for those that can't afford it or would they rather have them having babies they can't afford. The child fatality rate would rise beyond belief and wouldn't even be able to turn to their own government because they don't give hand outs. For one reason or another you can't just legalize abortion and be okay with birth control and everything else planned parenthood does. They do a lot of good and not to mention the fact that they DON'T just say "oh, you'd like an abortion??? Lets set you up with an appointment." They don't work like that. They talk to you about different options to include the different adoption options. They educate you and give you everything you want to help you understand a sickness, illness, or information on anything you want to know. It's pretty close to free schooling.

Don't get me wrong I don't think abortion should be used as a form of birth control. I don't think the government should be giving people handouts like they do either. The government DOES pay for my birth control and check ups and such through medicaide and I DO receive help via WIC. Hell I might even qualify for food stamps, but I am not receiving them so I wouldn't know. I may need the help of the government to go to school, get my children into daycare and school, but I do not consider it free loading from the government. I do think they could lower and require things from people to receive. I have known someone receiving $600 a month in food stamps for him and his two kids yet he was failing to get a job and when he got money from his girlfriend he spent it on pot. I think if you're getting government help you should be drug tested regularly without getting to know when. And $600 in food stamps is a bit ridiculous for one person and two kids under the age of  5. Also another instance is the fact that I remember a time when I worked at a deli and had to save to get some nice steaks and such from there but some guy walks in with his food stamps and gets top choice new york strip steaks, t-bone steaks, porterhouse steaks, and filet mignon for him and his family. Why was I working my ass off to get a nice steak for me and the guy I was dating at the time but this guy had the government paying for his top dollar meals??? Whatever he was making with his food stamps was way too much. I'm not saying people who receive food stamps should get shit to eat but they shouldn't be able to eat like kings if they can't afford it.



Also I am debating on going to school and collecting my GI Bill or whether I should transfer it to my children and if I transfer it to my children can it only be used for college and if so is there a time limit for them to use it. I joined the army young and served 8 1/2 years and my kids are young and even after 10 years they won't be in college.



I still feel like my house is a mess but I have kids and close friends and family that need me today.

Rest In Peace Mrs. Ruby Suza
You will always be missed and loved by many <3

My Asshole

Why does it always feel like I am the one trying so hard???

Don't get me wrong... My husband can be absolutely amazing sometimes, but sometimes he is a complete asshole!!!

He has been in a mood for days now and I can tell and it irritates me. He won't say why and it's like he backs away emotionally and physically from me. Yesterday I was talking to him about things and I was trying to tell him how I need a break... a no kids break... and he kept saying things like 'do you want to do my homework' 'I need time to do homework' 'I'm sorry I have to go to school' and that wasn't the point I was getting at, but then he turns around and says 'you know what, if you want to go out you need to talk to your grandma and uncle about babysitting'  Why should I have to ask my family to babysit for me to go out. When in fact I ask my mom or grandma if I can go over there to get help with the kids so he can go out? So today I made plans with a friend of mine and told him... "If you want help or anything with the kids while I am gone you might want to start asking around because I made dinner plans." And then after dinner I try to talk to him about why he's irritated or whatever and he just ignores me and keeps playing his games. So finally I said "You know thank you for clearing things up for me!" he says, "No problem" It took everything I had not to fuckin' kick him in the head because my foot was closest to him and closest to his head. And of course after we get inside from smoking and cleaning up Wriley from dinner and given him a bath I try again to talk to him and find out whats been going on with him and why he feels the need to constantly be playing games and ignoring me. And he says "They're just time consumers" so I said "Well, why don't you consume your time by talking to me to figure things out?" He says nothing. I keep talking and wait for a response and again get nothing. So I keep talking and I get nothing and again I get nothing. So I keep talking and again I get nothing. So I keep talking... AND THIS MOTHER FUCKER FUCKIN LOOKS AT HIS PHONE LIKE "WHEN IS SHE GOING TO STOP TALKING"

Now tell me why on earth I shouldn't have literally fuckin' hit him and broke his fuckin' phone, put a password he would never figure out on the computer, and break his xbox so that there were no games for him to play??? I am so fed up with constantly feeling like I am trying and trying and trying and he's just sitting courtside waiting for things to get better. Things were good for about a week when he was trying and then it's like he was done trying and things went to shit. It was about a week that things were really really good and it was like he was opening up to me and wanting to be with me and then BAM!!! Shit heaven is here and I'm the only one digging to get back to where we were. The last time I got a break and was kid free was the last time I went out with my gf Jessi, which btw was BEFORE Kaitey Mae was apart of the world. And now that I'm like hey I'd like to get some me time he wants to know what I'm doing and when and if it fits his schedule.

I understand I have kids and that my house will never be clean until they move out but it also doesn't help that we have two households full of stuff. I get sick of cleaning and if I got a break ever now and then I would be happy to constantly be cleaning whenever I get time to which is usually if both kids take a nap at the same time. Other than that it's the dishes and kitchen when Wriley Paul is sleeping if Kaitey lets me set her down and folding loads upon loads of laundry when Kaitey Mae is sleeping and the floors whenever I get the chance.

And then smoke breaks... they drive me crazy!!! Why is it when I go outside to smoke a cigarette it only takes 10 minutes but when my husband goes out to smoke a cigarette it takes him 20-40 minutes??? Because he will smoke and play a game on his phone and if I'm not inside going crazy he then plays some more and if I'm still not going crazy then he smokes another one and if I'm still not going crazy then he plays his games some more and if I'm still not going crazy he lights another cigarette and definately by that time I'm screaming and going insane. So I call him inside and e says "Well, let me finish smoking this real quick" about 15 minutes later he then decides I've gone insane long enough and comes inside to take control of Wriley Paul, which btw is the easy child to care for and play with. Kaitey Mae is needy and needy and needy. Sometimes I don't mind and I can handle it really well but sometimes I just want her to go to sleep so I can get some me time... i.e. when it's about 9-10pm it's time to go to sleep and let mommy get some mommy time.

I am just so irritated that I try and try and try and it seems like Riley doesn't give a fuck until I am ready to give up, and I am crying and screaming and basically begging him to try. I shouldn't have to reach that point. He should always be trying. And the more he tries the more I want to try and the better things are between us and the better things will get. I don't just want my kids being privilaged enough to grow up with mommy and daddy in the same household I want them to be privilaged enough to grow up in a loving household with both parents and as little screaming, yelling, irritation, and ignorance as possible. I know I get irritated easily but instead of just letting me be pissed off why is it that he can't just TRY to do something to change my mood instead of letting it irritate him and ignore me and irritate me even more and quit trying. I now I've had discussion (me talking) where I tell him this. Why do I feel like I have to tell him how to try and he can't even keep trying.

I just want things to be good and then really good and even though things aren't going to be really good all the time it would be nice if tried to keep them good. I gave up my whole life to be with him, and then I gave up even more because I was pregnant, and then I gave up even more because I had a baby, and then I had to give up a few of the luxuries I gained back because I was pregnant again, and now I have a second child I have nothing but memories of what my life use to be because I am so busy trying to take care of children, clean the house, organize the house, keep up with family, and try to find some time for me (just me). He has yet to give up as much as I have and all I am asking is that he try and that help to keep our relationship from going straight down the toilet. I really don't think I ask that much for him to treat me like this or be the way he is.