My Asshole

Why does it always feel like I am the one trying so hard???

Don't get me wrong... My husband can be absolutely amazing sometimes, but sometimes he is a complete asshole!!!

He has been in a mood for days now and I can tell and it irritates me. He won't say why and it's like he backs away emotionally and physically from me. Yesterday I was talking to him about things and I was trying to tell him how I need a break... a no kids break... and he kept saying things like 'do you want to do my homework' 'I need time to do homework' 'I'm sorry I have to go to school' and that wasn't the point I was getting at, but then he turns around and says 'you know what, if you want to go out you need to talk to your grandma and uncle about babysitting'  Why should I have to ask my family to babysit for me to go out. When in fact I ask my mom or grandma if I can go over there to get help with the kids so he can go out? So today I made plans with a friend of mine and told him... "If you want help or anything with the kids while I am gone you might want to start asking around because I made dinner plans." And then after dinner I try to talk to him about why he's irritated or whatever and he just ignores me and keeps playing his games. So finally I said "You know thank you for clearing things up for me!" he says, "No problem" It took everything I had not to fuckin' kick him in the head because my foot was closest to him and closest to his head. And of course after we get inside from smoking and cleaning up Wriley from dinner and given him a bath I try again to talk to him and find out whats been going on with him and why he feels the need to constantly be playing games and ignoring me. And he says "They're just time consumers" so I said "Well, why don't you consume your time by talking to me to figure things out?" He says nothing. I keep talking and wait for a response and again get nothing. So I keep talking and I get nothing and again I get nothing. So I keep talking and again I get nothing. So I keep talking... AND THIS MOTHER FUCKER FUCKIN LOOKS AT HIS PHONE LIKE "WHEN IS SHE GOING TO STOP TALKING"

Now tell me why on earth I shouldn't have literally fuckin' hit him and broke his fuckin' phone, put a password he would never figure out on the computer, and break his xbox so that there were no games for him to play??? I am so fed up with constantly feeling like I am trying and trying and trying and he's just sitting courtside waiting for things to get better. Things were good for about a week when he was trying and then it's like he was done trying and things went to shit. It was about a week that things were really really good and it was like he was opening up to me and wanting to be with me and then BAM!!! Shit heaven is here and I'm the only one digging to get back to where we were. The last time I got a break and was kid free was the last time I went out with my gf Jessi, which btw was BEFORE Kaitey Mae was apart of the world. And now that I'm like hey I'd like to get some me time he wants to know what I'm doing and when and if it fits his schedule.

I understand I have kids and that my house will never be clean until they move out but it also doesn't help that we have two households full of stuff. I get sick of cleaning and if I got a break ever now and then I would be happy to constantly be cleaning whenever I get time to which is usually if both kids take a nap at the same time. Other than that it's the dishes and kitchen when Wriley Paul is sleeping if Kaitey lets me set her down and folding loads upon loads of laundry when Kaitey Mae is sleeping and the floors whenever I get the chance.

And then smoke breaks... they drive me crazy!!! Why is it when I go outside to smoke a cigarette it only takes 10 minutes but when my husband goes out to smoke a cigarette it takes him 20-40 minutes??? Because he will smoke and play a game on his phone and if I'm not inside going crazy he then plays some more and if I'm still not going crazy then he smokes another one and if I'm still not going crazy then he plays his games some more and if I'm still not going crazy he lights another cigarette and definately by that time I'm screaming and going insane. So I call him inside and e says "Well, let me finish smoking this real quick" about 15 minutes later he then decides I've gone insane long enough and comes inside to take control of Wriley Paul, which btw is the easy child to care for and play with. Kaitey Mae is needy and needy and needy. Sometimes I don't mind and I can handle it really well but sometimes I just want her to go to sleep so I can get some me time... i.e. when it's about 9-10pm it's time to go to sleep and let mommy get some mommy time.

I am just so irritated that I try and try and try and it seems like Riley doesn't give a fuck until I am ready to give up, and I am crying and screaming and basically begging him to try. I shouldn't have to reach that point. He should always be trying. And the more he tries the more I want to try and the better things are between us and the better things will get. I don't just want my kids being privilaged enough to grow up with mommy and daddy in the same household I want them to be privilaged enough to grow up in a loving household with both parents and as little screaming, yelling, irritation, and ignorance as possible. I know I get irritated easily but instead of just letting me be pissed off why is it that he can't just TRY to do something to change my mood instead of letting it irritate him and ignore me and irritate me even more and quit trying. I now I've had discussion (me talking) where I tell him this. Why do I feel like I have to tell him how to try and he can't even keep trying.

I just want things to be good and then really good and even though things aren't going to be really good all the time it would be nice if tried to keep them good. I gave up my whole life to be with him, and then I gave up even more because I was pregnant, and then I gave up even more because I had a baby, and then I had to give up a few of the luxuries I gained back because I was pregnant again, and now I have a second child I have nothing but memories of what my life use to be because I am so busy trying to take care of children, clean the house, organize the house, keep up with family, and try to find some time for me (just me). He has yet to give up as much as I have and all I am asking is that he try and that help to keep our relationship from going straight down the toilet. I really don't think I ask that much for him to treat me like this or be the way he is.